"The Down Escalator"

From the top of this Escalator I can see others, both going down and coming up on the Upside. I just got the latest Lab report from my blood test taken last Wed., May 7th, 2008. As Gil, my doctor said in his email to which he attached the PDF file of the lab report, "Its not pretty." That wasn't the answer I was expecting. I wanted to hear and see MUCH better results. As I read his brief note I could feel my whole body reacting to the news by a rise in my temperature. A blushing. As if I had said something in a crowd that was so totally and socially unacceptable. Like I was experiencing a flush of embarassment. Anger? Frustration? Exasperation at the fact that the results weren't more positive? Thoughts ran through my head, "Why? What now? Where to go? Who to see?" Well, I told Windy, "...and he died." As long as I can tolerate the pain of dying slowly its okay. I just need to trust that my faith in God will uphold me through this as well as prepare me for whatever His will dictates. I know I've had my ups and downs and have given up on living into my "golden years" whenever I get a negative report, and then when I get a good report I allow myself to get some false hope that God might just heal me. At this point...Tuesday, May 13th, 2008, 7:13 PM...I'm ambivalent about it. Gil (my doc) says we'll discuss it tomorrow. Okay. But I don't really see any need to keep battling this thing. Honestly, if God wants me alive then He'll do it. If not, no matter what we do it'll just be wasting good time and money that can be used elsewhere.